Are you that special person who - weary from trudging the endless superhighways - just longs to camp next to a glorious oasis of the mind? Do you desire to explore new frontiers, splash in shared ideas, fill your belly with the refreshing fruits of inspiration, and bask in the gentle rays of fond reflection?
Well, you can fuck right off. This, my friends, is not that place. This place is... The ShadowLands.
1. Brett Stewart, Manly Sea Eagles, 186 cm, 86 kilograms. Try scoring whiz and NRL pin-up boy, his team had trouble winning while he was out awaiting trial for sexual assault.
2. Darius Boyd, St George Dragons, 185 cm, 96 kg. Normally plays fullback, but pushed to the wing because of the outstanding array of fullbacks in this side. He made this side on the back of an alleged incident at a Brisbane nightclub, not his famous interview skills.
3. Greg Inglis (c), Melbourne Storm, 195 cm, 99 kg. Extremely talented centre and grand final hero, understood to have given his girlfriend an accidental black eye with his famous fend, considered to be the best in rugby league.
4. Justin Hodges, Brisbane Broncos, 190 cm, 97 kg. Feisty centre alleged to have been involved in a nightclub incident with team-mate...
5. Karmichael Hunt, Brisbane Broncos, 186 cm, 90 kg. Another talented fullback relegated to the wing. Moving to the AFL next year with the mistaken belief that it will give him a lower profile after his alleged involvement in a nightclub incident.
6. Todd Carney, 186 cm, 90 kg. Five eighth currently without a club after allegedly urinating on a man in a nightclub, but linking up with the Roosters in 2010. Should make a devastating combination with team reserve, Nate Myles, who defecated in a hotel corridor earlier this year.
7. Brett Seymour, 178 cm, 90 kg. Journeyman halfback on the way back after several nightclub incidents.
13. Greg Bird, Catalan Dragons, 183 cm, 102 kg. Mobile lock forward or five eighth, convicted of assaulting his girlfriend. Might have gotten away with claims it was an accident had he not tried to frame a friend. Currently not allowed to play in England, but playing home games for the French superleague team. Can be as devastating to opposition defences as he was to his girlfriend's cheek.
12. Anthony Watmough, Manly Sea Eagles, 181 cm, 95 kg. Considered one of the best rugby league forwards in the world, Watmough allegedly lashed out at a sponsor at the club's season launch - the same day that Brett Stewart allegedly assaulted a female. Tough forward who can carve up opposition defences and his sponsors.
11. Sam Thaiday, Brisbane Broncos, 181 cm, 108 kg. Hard working second rower allegedly involved in the same incident as Darius Boyd and Karmichael Hunt.
8. Anthony Cherrington, Sydney Roosters, 193 cm, 119 kg. Youngster on the way up sentenced to community service after allegedly approaching his girlfriend with a knife. Very mobile for a big man.
9. Jake Friend, 172 cm, 82 kg, Sydney Roosters. Enterprising rake, convicted drink driver, and alleged to have hit a girl at a nightclub. Need to be equally wary of him when he gets near the try-line.
10. Stan Waqa, 190 cm, 118 kg, Sydney Roosters. Promising forward alleged to have accidentally slashed his girlfriend with a knife when she got too close.
Comments: The NRL's worst XIII features no fewer than 8 internationals, as well as a range of promising up and comers. If they could stay away from the court appearances, the outside backs alone would probably beat any team in the competition. The bench also has plenty of impact - just ask the people some of them allegedly hit.