Christopher McCandless

"If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed."

This is a quote from glorified hobo, Chris McCandless, who was found starved to death in his sleeping bag in the Alaskan wilderness on September 7, 1992. His story has since been given the Hollywood treatment by Sean Penn.

Another McCandless quote: "...nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future."

Except, as it turns out, a lack of food and a good map. As an Alaskan park ranger later wrote, "When you consider McCandless from my perspective, you quickly see that what he did wasn’t even particularly daring, just stupid, tragic, and inconsiderate."

Seeds of discontent

Pining was ruled out as the cause of the behaviour of African Parrot, Alex, found at the bottom of his cage on September 7, 2007, coincidentally the same day that Pavarotti fell off his perch. According to wikipedia:

"Alex died quickly. He had a sudden, unexpected catastrophic event associated with arterosclerosis ('hardening of the arteries'). It was either a fatal arrhythmia, heart attack or stroke, which caused him to die suddenly with no suffering. There was no way to predict his demise. All of his tests, including his cholesterol level and asper levels, came back normal earlier that week. His death could not be connected to his current diet or his age; our veterinarian said that she has seen similar events in young (<10 year old) birds on healthy diets. Most likely, genetics or the same kind of low-level (impossible to detect in birds as yet) inflammatory disease that is related to heart disease in humans was responsible."

Stupid song Friday

I have this stupid song stuck in my head, and thought you should suffer too. Recorded by a Spanish duo, it sold 16 million copies...

The duo split when their final recording inexplicably failed to replicate this success.

Douglas Bader

British war hero, Douglas Bader died on September 5, 1982.

Bader lost both his legs in an aerobatics accident in 1932, writing in his log book after the accident, "Crashed slow-rolling near ground. Bad show" but rejoined the RAF, becoming a top air ace during WWII. He made at least 11 kills in the Battle of Britain alone.

He was later shot down over Germany and captured, where he attempted many escapes, before being sent to Colditz.

After the war, he was seen by some as a right wing extremist for his support of the rule of Ian Smith in Zimbabwe - boy, did he get proven wrong on that issue.

Bader quotes: "I am not one of those who see war as a cricket match where you first give anything to defeat the opponent and then shake hands."

"Rules are for the guidance of wise men and the obedience of fools."

Submission to Green Paper: Part Deux

Margo's Maid concludes the ShadowLands' submission to the Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme Green Paper. Take it away, MM...

...One strong possibility is that the regular facts are not strong enough. The other one is that they are very badly informed. Either possibility should be a major concern to you.

But there are lots of other clues that the Government’s heart is not really into it.

One big clue is that if Kevin Rudd really believed his own rhetoric, he would support the introduction of nuclear power to Australia. Instead, he is allowing the opening and expansion of coal fired power stations around the country.

And if Kevin believed in cutting global emissions, he would support the export of uranium to India for the production of carbon-free electricity. One of the largest sources of carbon emissions - as acknowledged by big Al Gore in his documentary - is the burning of wood-fires in Africa and southern Asia. This is a large contributor to that haze you saw over Beijing during the Olympics and is part of what is known as the Asian Brown Cloud. It’s so big, you can see this pollution on satellite images. Some research shows this pollution causes thousands of deaths from respiratory illnesses, and may contribute to global warming in its own right.

Another clue is that if Kevin Rudd really worried about carbon emissions, he would be lobbying the states to stop the construction of those power hungry desalination plants being built around Australia, and building dams instead. He would also be concerned that he is allowing tens of thousands of Olympic swimming pools worth of fresh water to flow down the Snowy River instead of into the Murray-Darling basin this year, and more again next year.

So you’ve been given a job you cannot achieve by a boss who doesn’t believe in it himself. But there-in lies an opportunity.

Here’s my advice: write yourself up an impressive Green Paper that makes everyone happy, just don’t be too specific. Get your graphic designer to produce a sensational cover, maybe with a picture of a child planting a tree or staring directly into the lens, so Kevin can hold it up to the camera. Have a Summit and get Cate to bury a time capsule. This will have the benefit of wasting time, demonstrating activity and having no discernable outcomes until Kevin makes his run for the UN.

Make sure that in between the covers, you phase your recommendations in verrrry slowly, so that as the tide turns on this debate, and when Kevin is tossed out in an election or two, the damage can be minimised, and your reputation kept in tact.

As we all know, the risk that any finding you make will have any effect on climate change is zero. However, if China’s economy slows down, our primary industries suffer from your findings, and we all go into recession, the risk that Kevin will blame you for it are approximately 100 per cent.

So turn up to work, get through the days and the weeks, doing stuff but really doing stuff-all. You are in a unique position, where by doing little, you can do much for Australia. In the meantime, spend those glorious weekends in Batemans Bay. Wait for the election. Save up your leave and take your kids to Murramarang Resort, try the tandoori pizza. Life will be okay.

After this all blows over, get a real job with a mining company, move to Sydney and let us never speak of this again.

Watkins farewell in doubt

REUTERS: The NSW Labor Party is today struggling to organise a suitable farewell for its Deputy Leader, John Watkins who announced his resignation yesterday.

Labor MPs were today undecided whether they should accept a sponsorship for the event or whether they should just each bring a plate of food. A source from the Premier's office said that while nobody had heard of Watkins before he announced his resignation, they were still keen to organise some kind of decent farewell.

"We tried to book some venues but found the waiting lists were too long. And while it may all be well and good to bring a plate, there seems to be a chronic shortage of suitable tables. And last time we did this, there were about 20 boxes of cheesels and no Fanta," the spokesman said.

"In the meantime, we are still arguing over whether we should just take it to the party room at Mcdonalds. Some on the left are insisting that we can't hold it at Maccas, but the concern is that if we don't, nobody will show up. But if we do, someone might catch us yelling, 'Don't you know who I am' at the staff - and that is not to mention the issues with public transport.

"Oh fuck, I don't even want to think about it," the spokesman concluded.

Hop to it: Rein

REUTERS: Therese Rein, wife of Australian Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd has farewelled the last of Australia's Paralympians who are now on their way to Beijing for the Paralympics .

"I hope they get there soon, as I'd hate to be trying to get a disabled parking space at this stage of proceedings," Ms Rein remarked. "But seriously, I am sure this team will do well. Our cripples and retards are right up there with the finest anywhere in the world. By the way, has anyone seen Kevin?"

Climate change submission: Part One

Time is rapidly running out to make your submission to the Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme Green Paper. Margo's Maid will be making a submission on behalf of The ShadowLands and presents Part One here:

First of all, let me say straight up that I feel sorry for you guys in the Department of Climate Change Office. I really do.

Imagine waking up every morning in sub-freezing temperatures after having a couple too many merlots the night before, still haunted by the memories of a glorious weekend in Batemans Bay. Cappuccinos and friandes at the Starfish deli while the waters of the Clyde dance gently to the squawks of the sea-gulls. Then having some bendy bus regurgitate you onto the steps of the John Gorton Building (pictured above). Fair dinkum, building designs like this have been rejected for use in the Gulags on account of being too grim.

Then you have to face up to the usual crew of workmates – ugly as a hatful of arseholes, and not much more useful... And your job is what? Trying to stop the world from getting warmer? And it turns out, anything you do will make no difference, because Australia produces one and three fifths of bugger all of world emissions. Trust me - I feel for you.

But, about this carbon trading emissions scheme. One of the big questions about the scheme is whether or not Australia should be an early adopter of this scheme. On this subject, Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd told ABC radio in Canberra:

“My job as Prime Minister is to look at these scientific facts, look at the economic facts, and then make a balanced judgment for the country’s long term future. And then when you look at the science facts and the economic facts on climate change, the fact that temperatures are going up and we’re already the world’s hottest and driest continent, and we’ll become, therefore, likely candidates to be the hardest and earliest hit by climate change...”

But Australia is not the hottest continent. That honour goes to Africa. In fact, Australia is not even the second hottest continent – South America is hotter. The reasons for this are simply that around 75 per cent of the continental land mass of Africa is in the tropics, and around 60 per cent of South America.

If you want confirmation of this, look at a map, or go here which will give you a graphic representation of the comparative temperatures any time of day, and you will find that Australia blushes but Africa and South America burn with red. Still not sure? Travel to Africa or South America and step out of the plane.

It turns out that Australia is not the driest continent either. That honour goes to Antarctica. But further than that, did you know that Australia ranks second amongst continents for renewable fresh water resources per capita? Only South America, thanks to the force of nature that is the mighty Amazon River, outranks us.

I wrote to Kevin Rudd to explain the source of his repeated claim that Australia is the hottest and driest continent some months ago, and he is yet to respond. If, as Kevin believes, Australia must act quickly because we are the hottest and driest continent, it surely follows that we need not act quickly, because we really are not the hottest or driest continent.

On the ABC television show Q and A, Minister for Climate Change Penny Wong said “It depends what chart you are looking at, but Australia or the United States are either first or second for carbon emissions per capita.”

Google it. I defy anyone to find a chart that shows Australia or the United States as first and second on the chart for global emissions per capita. I wrote to Penny Wong weeks ago to explain the source of this claim, and she is yet to respond.

All of which begs the question: why are the Prime Minister and the Minister for Climate Change telling big fat bulbous lies about Australia’s position on carbon emissions?...

to be continued

Technical difficulties

MM - and it seems - everyone else is experiencing technical difficulties at the moment. I will be putting my crack team of IT specialists onto it, which means taking the computer down to the fixin' shop.