Submission to Green Paper: Part Deux

Margo's Maid concludes the ShadowLands' submission to the Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme Green Paper. Take it away, MM...

...One strong possibility is that the regular facts are not strong enough. The other one is that they are very badly informed. Either possibility should be a major concern to you.

But there are lots of other clues that the Government’s heart is not really into it.

One big clue is that if Kevin Rudd really believed his own rhetoric, he would support the introduction of nuclear power to Australia. Instead, he is allowing the opening and expansion of coal fired power stations around the country.

And if Kevin believed in cutting global emissions, he would support the export of uranium to India for the production of carbon-free electricity. One of the largest sources of carbon emissions - as acknowledged by big Al Gore in his documentary - is the burning of wood-fires in Africa and southern Asia. This is a large contributor to that haze you saw over Beijing during the Olympics and is part of what is known as the Asian Brown Cloud. It’s so big, you can see this pollution on satellite images. Some research shows this pollution causes thousands of deaths from respiratory illnesses, and may contribute to global warming in its own right.

Another clue is that if Kevin Rudd really worried about carbon emissions, he would be lobbying the states to stop the construction of those power hungry desalination plants being built around Australia, and building dams instead. He would also be concerned that he is allowing tens of thousands of Olympic swimming pools worth of fresh water to flow down the Snowy River instead of into the Murray-Darling basin this year, and more again next year.

So you’ve been given a job you cannot achieve by a boss who doesn’t believe in it himself. But there-in lies an opportunity.

Here’s my advice: write yourself up an impressive Green Paper that makes everyone happy, just don’t be too specific. Get your graphic designer to produce a sensational cover, maybe with a picture of a child planting a tree or staring directly into the lens, so Kevin can hold it up to the camera. Have a Summit and get Cate to bury a time capsule. This will have the benefit of wasting time, demonstrating activity and having no discernable outcomes until Kevin makes his run for the UN.

Make sure that in between the covers, you phase your recommendations in verrrry slowly, so that as the tide turns on this debate, and when Kevin is tossed out in an election or two, the damage can be minimised, and your reputation kept in tact.

As we all know, the risk that any finding you make will have any effect on climate change is zero. However, if China’s economy slows down, our primary industries suffer from your findings, and we all go into recession, the risk that Kevin will blame you for it are approximately 100 per cent.

So turn up to work, get through the days and the weeks, doing stuff but really doing stuff-all. You are in a unique position, where by doing little, you can do much for Australia. In the meantime, spend those glorious weekends in Batemans Bay. Wait for the election. Save up your leave and take your kids to Murramarang Resort, try the tandoori pizza. Life will be okay.

After this all blows over, get a real job with a mining company, move to Sydney and let us never speak of this again.