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Are you that special person who - weary from trudging the endless superhighways - just longs to camp next to a glorious oasis of the mind? Do you desire to explore new frontiers, splash in shared ideas, fill your belly with the refreshing fruits of inspiration, and bask in the gentle rays of fond reflection?

Well, you can fuck right off. This, my friends, is not that place. This place is... The ShadowLands.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

The wisdom of Miss Earth: Part Two

"I found a fruit in the shape of a heart when I was 10. I gave it to my brother for his birthday. How happy he was that he even showed it off to his friends. Let us care for our trees that bear fruits to make more people happy." Miss Guadeloupe

More fruit trees? As insipid as this statement first sounds, it is probably the most practical suggestion any of you airheads have made so far. MM

"The color of my eyes change with my mood like my mother’s. And when I am in commune with nature, I see beautiful things around me and my eyes turn just as beautiful as everything that I see. I love nature and would do everything to care for it." Miss Guam

Congratulations, you have won the personal pronoun count, which means you are this year's official Miss Get Over Yourself, For Fuck's Sake. MM

"I learned how to play hula hoop from children and that was something difficult to do. If protecting the environment is difficult to do, we probably can learn to do it also from our children." Miss Honduras

Bomb disposal is difficult to do. Why not get a child to teach you that? Fuck. Me. Dead.

"I’ve learned to share my happiness and blessings with other people from my family. This year, I chose to celebrate my birthday with children in the slum community. I realize how much help they need to change their living environment." Miss India

And did the kids of the slum community want you hanging around? Actually, you're the first contestant from a third world country to suggest that people might be more important than potplants. Congratulations. No, seriously.

"I had an adventurous childhood in a Borneo village where I swam in the clean river with tall and shady trees. But now, the surroundings have changed everywhere. I am inspired to dream of a worldwide tree-planting contest and river clean-up drive." Miss Indonesia

Swimming trees? WTF.

"I was 11 when my parents got divorced. This taught me not to expect too much. But when I was growing up, I realized that shouldn’t be because Mother Earth expects too much from everyone. Otherwise, we lose rather than save the world." Miss Israel

Mother Earth expects too much from everyone? Woah - I never saw that one coming.

"My beauty secret is in vinegar that is naturally processed. I also preach that disposable chopsticks waste valuable trees. This is so because I love nature and I would advocate to protect the environment with my fellow women." Miss Japan

Hey, toots, all vinegar is derived from a process involving the fermentation of ethanol. Whether or not you ferment it "naturally" (whatever that is) or with a team of robots utilising vats of plutonium and red cordial, we produce ethanol by cutting down forests and then growing plants. BTW, vinegar is made up of varying strengths of acetic acid (CH3COOH). Mmmh, rub it on.

"I have always been a big sister in the family and this developed my leadership qualities. I have become active player in community service and continue to follow the maxim 'Be a fountain, not a drain.' Let us all be leaders for our Mother Earth." Miss Latvia

So where is the water going, Einstein? You think we want more floods?

"When I was young, I used to think that physical looks matter most when you want to open the doors of opportunities. Later on I learned that inner beauty is equally important. I advocate the campaign against global warming because it raises the ocean level and cause disasters." Miss Lebanon

The campaign against global warming raises ocean levels and causes disasters? And you advocate it?

"My childhood friends and I would always sneak into my grandfather’s fruit farm and pluck his fruits without his consent. I was so playful and mischievous then. Now I realize how important the trees are. We hardly have enough left. Let us plant more." Miss Malaysia

Am I reading too much into it, or is this really about sex?

"Instead of toys, I grew up with cats. When I learned that I was just an adopted daughter, though hard to accept, it nevertheless helped me grow into a stronger, wiser and more determined person. I am committed to help in any environmental campaign." Miss Martinique

Adopted into a family of cats? Holy crap!

"I enjoy spending time with my family. Saturday dinners are always something to look forward to. This has influenced the way I live my life valuing nature as the best gift on earth. Let us keep nature in tact. After all, this is a wonderful world." Miss Poland

Actually, eating dinner makes me appreciate agriculture.

"I started to attend modeling school when I was just 12 years old. My early modeling experience taught me to commit myself to work on developing and promoting a cosmetic industry with various researches that deals on improving skin protection." Miss Serbia

Damn, you really are a conservationist, aren't you? MM

My family hold the record for the most siblings to receive full basketball scholarships. But I have to give up a well paid basketball career to be a fulltime model because it is my passion. The same passion I have in creating youth activities to campaign for the environment. Miss South Sudan

You gave up a well paid basketball career to be a fulltime model? Your life is just one long and harrowing tale of sacrifice isn't it honey? MM

"A part of me that was sad is when my little brother lost eyesight in one of his eyes due to a grave illness. Yet I had a most memorable experience of sailing through a storm in a 2-man boat. Life poses challenges that we have to overcome and be braved about." Miss Sweden

Pretty memorable for the two-men as well, I'd wager. MM

"My mom sewed a dress using her own t-shirt materials for an old Barbie that I found on the road because she couldn’t buy me one. It came out as a surprise to me. Indeed, treasures can be found from scraps. Let us recycle!" Miss Switzerland

And then you went home to a dinner of a handful of warm gravel. Give us a break. MM

"As a little girl, I played with my Shera sword and my Barbie. Now, that I am a beauty queen, I will be busy wielding battles against the habit of wasteful use of natural resources and the lack of recycling skills among many people." Miss USA

How do you wield a battle? Hey, instead of decapitating Barbie, maybe you should have spent some time in English class. MM


kae said...

I laughed like a drain.

Er, it reads like the answers to questions at the interview for the job you know abosolutely bugger all about, but reckoned you could bluff your way in....

I'd like to see their CVs!

Anonymous said...

Dear MM,
I am wanting to apply for position of fountain for Miss Latvia. I know hours could be long and draining, but feel I am up for it.

Anonymous said...

You are most unnattractive man!
Miss Latvia

Anonymous said...

Miss Latvia

You got to help me out here, the TV show I heard this phrase on is an OZ one but cant remember the title.

I can picture the actors.

What was the show already!!!


Margo's Maid said...

Fran, I think this is what you are looking for, from Fast Forward: