Ambassadors' meeting: Exclusive!

Meeting of the Men's Health Ambassadors, Hayman Island

Present: Professor David de Kretser, Governor of Victoria; Mr Bill Noonan, Vice President of the Transport Workers Union; Mr Barry Williams, President of the Lone Fathers Association; Professor John Macdonald, University of Western Sydney; Mr Tim Mathieson, Man Who Fucked Julia Gillard.

Prof de Kretser (Chair): Welcome all to our second meeting and a particular welcome to Mr Tim Mathieson. Glad you could make it this time . I do hope the trip wasn't too onerous for you.

Tim Mathieson: No, no, no - nothing I can't handle. I'm the one who fucked Julia Gillard, remember.

Chair: Quite. How could we forget.

Just a quick reminder why we are here. Every year, around 3,000 Australian men die of prostate cancer. Thousands more die of other male-specific diseases. Our job is engage the men of Australia in consultations for the National Men's Health Policy. In short, gentlemen, what we do here may ultimately impact on the welfare of more than 10 million Australians.

Now, if we could begin by asking what each one of you can bring to the table. Do we have anyone here who is expert at rolling out these kind of information campaigns?

Bill Noonan: Well, I could get something in the Transport Workers Union newsletter.

Chair: Thanks Bill, anyone else? Tim, you're a hair product salesman, isn't that right?

Tim Mathieson: Well, not exactly, not anymore. I'm not qualified, or so they say. However, I am doing one day a week at a hairdressers in Shepparton.

Chair: So you'll be able to tell your customers about our initiatives?

TM: Well, I don't get that many male customers, to be honest.

Chair: Oh God, this isn't going to be easy.

TM: Well, who said life was easy? If there's one thing I've learnt in life, it's that sometimes there are things you don't want to do. Things that do not even seem natural. But you grit your teeth and just go ahead and do them anyway...

To be continued...