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Are you that special person who - weary from trudging the endless superhighways - just longs to camp next to a glorious oasis of the mind? Do you desire to explore new frontiers, splash in shared ideas, fill your belly with the refreshing fruits of inspiration, and bask in the gentle rays of fond reflection?

Well, you can fuck right off. This, my friends, is not that place. This place is... The ShadowLands.

Friday, June 5, 2009

ShadowLands Public Policy Unit's latest...

Dear Human Rights Consultation Committee,

How would you feel if some of these jokes were directed at you?:

What's the difference between a Human Rights Consultation Committee Member on a street and a dead dog on the street?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What's black and brown and look great on Human Rights Consultation Committee Members?


What do Human Rights Consultation Committee Members and sperm have in common?

One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

As you may have figured out, these are not in fact “jokes” that are directed at yourselves – but some of the most discriminated against people in Australia.

Yes brothers and sisters, it's high time that the Australian population apologised for the indignity and degradation inflicted on lawyers and moved to a future based on mutual respect, mutual responsibility and a linear and much more consistent transfer of money.

Lawyers across Australia have been subject to ridicule for way too long. No, 500 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean is not a good start - it is a an affront to human dignity.

What's worse is that it is highly inappropriate.

But there is something you can do.

Our dream is that one day, everyone will have the right to life, liberty and to charge whatever they like for photocopying.

A Bill of Rights could help to employ hundreds of new lawyers and boost the incomes of countless thousands of their existing number.

While we cannot guarantee that these lawyer “jokes” will ever be truly eradicated, we can guarantee that they are much easier to block out with the help of the surround sound systems they are installing in top of the range Mercedes Benz S Class vehicles these days.

So yes, a Bill of Rights is absolutely necessary. Heck, have a different one for each state and territory. Why can’t people have personal Bills of Rights? The more clauses the merrier - the vaguer and more contradictory the better. In this way, you have the power to end the suffering of lawyers today.

When it comes to treatment of lawyers, Australia has a dark and inappropriate past. But you, my friends, have an historic opportunity to move forward with the establishment of multiple Bills of Rights and any other associated confusing bits of legislation that you may think appropriate. You have the potential to start an absolute Festival of Mandated Appropriateness.

With this in place, we can be confident about our futures. More to the point, what about your futures? Do you guys really want it all to end here? Stick with us and with just a few encouraging recommendations, you can be confident about finding yourselves a first class seat on the gravy train on that long, long journey to Consultation Committee City.

Toot! Toot! All aboard!

(PS Thanks to reader minicapt for alerting us to this inquiry.)

1 comment:

Egg said...

'There are skid marks in front of the dog.'

Referring to tyre 'skid marks', non?