Due to popular demand

MM's shot at the inaugural address:

My fellow Americans

I am delighted to join with you today in what will be remembered as the greatest demonstration of freedom in my lifetime.

We have witnessed first hand how the old way of doing things has led us to the precipice of destruction. But today I stand before you as President. I promised change, and from today, I will deliver.

One thing we know: our children's children will look back on this as an historic day - and what will they say? Well frankly, I don’t care what children say because I’m the adult and I make the decisions.

For too long I have been beholden to the beliefs of the Democratic Party, and been forced to pretend to care about whether or not balloons are biodegradable, or about the food miles on my canapés or some other childish bullshit. Give me a break.

You may have noticed that my election policies have been removed from my website. That is because I am President now, and I wanted them removed.

Ladies and gentlemen, the time has come to fulfil my promise to bring our soldiers home. We will be doing this next week, just before letting off multiple thermo-nuclear weapons across the Arab nations, starting with Gaza, then moving on to Iran – hell, why not do it simultaneously. North Korea and Venezuela? Thinking, thinking…

We will then hand over the land to Israel for planting citrus, with a view to piping fresh juice into every home and park in this great nation.

I told you ladies and gentlemen, that change has come to America.

When the soldiers come home, they can set to work updating our infrastructure and setting up machine guns at our borders to keep out illegal immigrants. Sure, the Canadians might not be so keen on this idea, but they will understand that change has come.

I will also abolish all government welfare, except for the old-age pension, and tell all the lard-ass tax-payer funded leeches and excuse-making drug addicted cockroaches to get up off their shiny behinds and to earn an honest living for a change. Hey, for some people, it will not just be about change, it will be all about getting some change.

Same goes for our industries. Sorry guys, but if you can’t earn an honest buck by yourself, then the American taxpayer can’t help you.

With the savings and, hey - just imagine the savings from these few initiatives - I will abolish the current tax arrangements and institute a flat 10 per cent income tax rate.

Ladies and gentlemen, it also gives me enormous pleasure to abolish global warming. Anyone who mentions it from now on can expect punitive measures, including being sent to the middle east to water the oranges.

I know some of you were concerned about my appointment of a socialist as head of the global warming department. Don’t worry, no-one else will be in the department. Her job will be to go to the conferences and just talk socialist crap for days on end.

Come with me as we meet the challenges of the future. Come with me into a future without war, without people taking advantage of tax-payers, and without all that tiresome environmental bullshit.

Finally, I ask for a short silence for Senator Joe Biden who is being decapitated as I speak. That’s enough, thank you. And a big Washington welcome to my old friend, Mr Karl Rove, who will be taking over as Vice-President.

Like I said, change has come to America. Really, I wasn’t kidding.

May God Bless You, and May God Bless the United States of America.