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Are you that special person who - weary from trudging the endless superhighways - just longs to camp next to a glorious oasis of the mind? Do you desire to explore new frontiers, splash in shared ideas, fill your belly with the refreshing fruits of inspiration, and bask in the gentle rays of fond reflection?

Well, you can fuck right off. This, my friends, is not that place. This place is... The ShadowLands.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Morals for the every day with Bob Ellis

Margo’s Maid is delighted to introduce the ShadowLands' new special correspondent on morals, Mr Bob Ellis!!! Take it away, Bob.


Don’t you hate deodorant - that cancer giving emulsion that erases your essence? And what about those people who would prefer to keep their distance, moving as far away from you on the couch as they can? And don’t you despise the rhetorical device of repetition that brings a Churchillian air to things that are actually very, very mundane?

I think there's a kind of writer who is a citizen writer, and Dickens was one. That's the kind of man I like to think I'm striving to be.

Tim Blair is nothing like Charles Dickens, and he still has a job. Tim Blair said durum wheat was durham wheat, and he still has a job. Tim Blair said he thought the fireman guy would win Big Brother and he still has a job. I am glad he has a job, but this kind of loose talk will destroy him professionally if I have anything to do with it. Tim Blair is no citizen writer. He displays a distinct lack of citizenry. I am getting to hate Tim Blair.

Mobile phones? Don’t get me started about mobile phones. I use one, but they kill us all eventually. What about those BiC 4-ink color retractable pens that can write in blue, black, red or green simply by flicking the latch at the top? If you are not careful, they will flick you on the thumb, see if I am wrong.

Or do you disagree?

3 comments:

Col. Milquetoast said...

Citizen Bob,
You must be unbearably drunk (or not drunk enough).

This just isn't up to you usual standards of explaining complex sets of human interaction exclusively in the context of what a woman has done to a man sexually (e.g. Abbot, Costello & Hillary)

Please don't destroy me because of this,
Col. M.

stackja1945 said...

Or as Pink Floyd may have said Bob are you Comfortably Numb?
Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?

tizona said...

Flick your Bic

Smart zee's frencsh, no?