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Are you that special person who - weary from trudging the endless superhighways - just longs to camp next to a glorious oasis of the mind? Do you desire to explore new frontiers, splash in shared ideas, fill your belly with the refreshing fruits of inspiration, and bask in the gentle rays of fond reflection?

Well, you can fuck right off. This, my friends, is not that place. This place is... The ShadowLands.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Pally personals

Hamas is offering $3,000 to anyone who will marry the widows of Palestinian martyrs and provide for their children.

As a community service to our loyal readers, The ShadowLands is publishing these personal messages for those of you in the market for some Palestinian lovin'. Please place all reasonable offers in comments.

Our first lovely lady (top left) is Fatima:
Angry Gazan woman, expert in making explosives seeks gullible and amoral partner for a fun weekend. If necessary, must be willing to kill themselves and dozens of innocent women and children regardless of their beliefs. No freaks.
Next (top middle) is incurable romantic, Wafa from Gaza. Wafa has this message for potential suitors:
"If you like Mecca Cola
And getting caught in the drain
If you're not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you'd like blowing up at midnight
In some infidel's cafe
Then I'm the belt packer that you've looked for
Write to me and detonate."
Asma and Ilaf (top right):
Why did the terrorist cross the road? I don't know, but he sure as hell wouldn't do it without an easily transportable child. These sisters enjoy travelling and seeing new places. For the right man, their 14 kids (or is it 13? - they blow up so soon these days) can provide a near inexhaustible supply of human shields for that avenue-crossing terrorist on the go.
Next we have Samira (above, bottom left):
Old smelly, fat balding Pallywood star, many disgusting habits, no sense of humour, but plenty of dramatic flair, seeks extremely rich male, preferably accountant handling funds from European Union.
Above, bottom middle, Wasfiyeh:
Environmentalist, inspired by the majesty of nature, seeks unreasonable partner who likes short walks with infidels into crowded buses. Think you are not yet ready for martyrdom? Spend some time with me and you soon will be.
Bottom right, Sana:
Sana, 48, owns suicide belt. Seeks man with 34 inch waist. No time wasters.
[Post inspired by Israellycool.]


blogstrop said...

If they could just upskill themselves into the nuclear industry, Iran has well-paid work for them, maybe in Syria.

FeFe said...

Dear Asma and Ilaf,

Can you and your children meet me at the corner of Baghdad Bob Media Blvd and 13th St. at 2:00 pm on Wednesday? I'll be standing in the crater left by Ahmed.

Wishing you a beating because we care,

Akehajekdlkd al Ssleiieeeekkkkkkkl

FeFe said...

Dear Samira,

I am an accountant and know about funds from the EU. I work for the United Nations (hehe Hamaas) so there is no limit to my ability and knowledge when it comes to foreign money.

With Hillary Clinton shower us with money, your children will no longer need to crawl through the tunnels to channel our money but we can go to the fundraisers in Egypt and beyond. Please let me know if you have a burka to wear for these occasions.

Looking forward to your families fingers and toes to count with,

Jakdeiaaooeiei al Shaheeeeelalkd

P.S. You may be a Pallywood star but no makeup allowed or you will be stoned to death because we care.

Margo's Maid said...

Woah, I think we might have started something.

FeFe said...

Attention Moderator:

Wasfiyeh is a liar. She is not an environmentalist. Many saw her burning flags during Earth Hour. True they were Israeli and American flags but she used the muslim invention of fire to do it! Her carbon footprint is showing.

Report her to her family for an honor killing because they care.

FeFe said...

Dear Sana,

I am the official taste tester for Hamass relief aid for Gaza. While I have yet to uncover those poisoned persimmons or rice, every bite of aid could be my last.

Hijacking UN relief trucks to ensure the safety of others is my calling but I have gained weight. My waist is 64 inches. I need your help. My goal is to have a 34 inch waist. If you refuse me I will be forced to follow Duchess of Pork, Fergi's diet. Oh, the humanity.

Let me know if you would like to meet for a picnic,

Taldieisl al Urhsleishuuun

FeFe said...

Dear Wafa,

Sorry, Yashirt could not meet you as planned. He had a "work place accident." As his brother, he told me you had stolen his heart. Due to the red tape and paperwork the UN requires to prove injury was sustained while on the job, we wont be able to call on you until Thursday at 2:00 pm. At that time we will cut off your hand for the thief you are because we care.

No bandages available but videotape provided,

Yajockitch al Cameltounge