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Are you that special person who - weary from trudging the endless superhighways - just longs to camp next to a glorious oasis of the mind? Do you desire to explore new frontiers, splash in shared ideas, fill your belly with the refreshing fruits of inspiration, and bask in the gentle rays of fond reflection?

Well, you can fuck right off. This, my friends, is not that place. This place is... The ShadowLands.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Exclusive: Mugabe's victory speech

(Pictured left - Zimbabwean President, Robert Mugabe and a smiling supporter.)

If we had some kind of functional telecommunications system, a short time ago, Morgan Tsvangirai would have called me to offer his congratulations. I thank him – wherever he is - for what I imagine would have been the dignity with which he would have extended those congratulations.

We should celebrate and honour the way in which we conduct this great Zimbabwean democracy of ours, and in fact, I order you to celebrate it. There will be no exceptions - if you know what's good for you.

Today Zimbabwe has looked to the future. Today the Zimbabwean people have decided that, although they probably don't have long to live anyway, they would prefer not to be burnt alive by my supporters right this minute. I am determined to honour the confidence which has been extended to us by the people of our great land. And I say to all of those who have voted for us today, I say to each and every one of them, that my supporters will not burn you alive immediately.

Friends, tomorrow the work begins. I mean the work burning people who voted against me, and of course, building a new jacuzzi in one of my palaces. But apart from not being burnt alive immediately, there will be other benefits for the people who voted for me. With inflation the way it is, if any of you get your hands on some currency, many of you stand a great chance of becoming millionaires.

And while life may be tough for many Zimbabwean working families, just remember that thanks to my age, our average life expectancy is higher than Zambia. What's more, I am expecting to live forever.

Muahahahahaha.

1 comment:

RebeccaH said...

There's a special corner in hell just waiting for that old bastard, and the Devil is salivating.